How to tell your children

Many parents say telling the children was the moment it all felt real. You might be dreading it, rehearsing it in your head, or putting it off. That's understandable. You love them and you don't want to hurt them.

What follows isn't a script. Every family is different. It's a set of practical ideas drawn from what children and young people themselves have said helped, and from guidance by organisations that work with families every day.

What children say they needed

In a survey of more than 500 young people aged 14 to 22 with experience of parental separation, carried out by ComRes for Resolution, around half said they didn't understand what was happening at the time. Nearly one in five said they sometimes felt it was their fault. And when asked what they'd have wanted, many said they wished their parents hadn't been horrible about each other in front of them (Family Law).

That gives you a useful starting point. Children cope better when they understand what's happening, when they know it isn't their fault, and when they don't feel caught in the middle.

Before you talk to them

• Agree what you'll say with the other parent if you possibly can. A simple, shared explanation is far easier for children to hold on to than two different versions.
• Tell them together, if it's safe and you can stay calm. It shows them you're both still their parents. If that isn't possible, that's alright. One calm parent is better than two arguing.
• Tell all the children at the same time if you can, so no one is left holding a secret. You can follow up with each child separately afterwards.
• Know the practical answers before you start, or at least the next steps. Children often care most about the everyday: where they'll sleep, whether they'll change school, what happens to the dog.
• Pick your moment. Avoid right before school, bedtime or a big event. A weekend morning, when you can be around afterwards, often works better.

Children rarely remember the exact words. They remember whether they felt safe and whether they were told the truth.

How do I tell my children we're separating?

Keep it short, honest and simple. You can always say more later. Things that tend to help:

• Say clearly what's happening. "Mum and Dad have decided to live in different houses" is clearer than "we're having some time apart" if the decision is made. Vague language can leave children hoping, or confused.
• Tell them it's not their fault, and that nothing they did or could do would change it. Say it more than once, over time.
• Tell them you both love them and that won't change.
• Explain what will stay the same as well as what will change. School, friends, grandparents, the after-school club.
• Leave out adult details. Affairs, money worries and blame aren't theirs to carry, even if they ask. "That's grown-up stuff, and it's for us to sort out" is a fine answer.
• Let them react however they react. Tears, anger, silence and asking if they can go and play are all normal responses.
• Invite questions, now and later. If you don't know the answer, say so, and tell them when you'll know more.

What to say at different ages

Under fives

Very young children need simple, concrete information and lots of reassurance. Focus on routines: who'll pick them up, where their toys and bed will be. They may go back to earlier behaviour, such as bedwetting or clinginess, for a while.

Primary school age

Children this age are more likely to blame themselves or hope you'll get back together. They may worry about the parent who's leaving. A calendar showing when they'll be with each parent can really help. Let their teacher know, so they can keep an eye out.

Teenagers

Teenagers may want more explanation and may have strong views. They might be angry, or seem not to care. Treat them with honesty and respect, but don't lean on them as a confidant or ask them to take sides. Give their views proper weight when you're making arrangements, without making them responsible for the decision.

In the days and weeks after

• Keep routines steady. Familiar mealtimes, bedtimes and activities give children a sense of safety when other things are changing.
• Keep checking in. Children often come back to it days or weeks later, sometimes at odd moments like in the car or at bedtime.
• Never use them as messengers, or ask them to report back on the other parent.
• Don't criticise the other parent in front of them, however tempting. Children are half of each of you.
• Watch for signs they're struggling, such as changes in sleep, eating, school performance or friendships, and talk to their school or GP if you're worried.

Cafcass has free resources for parents on supporting children through separation, including how to manage conflict and plan arrangements together (Cafcass). Our guide to how divorce works may help you answer older children's questions about the process.

Support for your children, and for you

Children and young people can talk to Childline free and confidentially, any time, on 0800 1111 or online. It can help to let older children know it exists, so they have somewhere to go that isn't either parent.

Look after yourself too. You'll be better able to support them if you're getting support of your own. Relate offers counselling for individuals and families (Relate). If you live in England, you can refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies for anxiety and low mood (NHS). Samaritans are there any time on 116 123.

If the separation involves abuse

If there's been domestic abuse, telling the children may need a different approach, and it may not be safe to do it together. Your priority is keeping yourself and the children safe. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline (0808 2000 247, free, 24 hours) can help you think it through (GOV.UK). In an emergency, call 999.

Common questions

Sources

1. Family Law, Don't stay together for our sake, say children (Resolution / ComRes survey, 2015)
2. Cafcass, Supporting your child through divorce and separation
3. Childline
4. Relate
5. NHS, Find NHS Talking Therapies for anxiety and depression
6. GOV.UK, Domestic abuse: how to get help

Keep reading

This guide is general information for parents in England and Wales, not professional advice. If you're worried about your child's wellbeing, speak to their school, your GP or a qualified professional. Facts checked 1 October 2026.